Papeles mojados

He's always been my idol. Ever since I could walk and talk - and probably even before that - I want(ed) to impress him, make him proud, get praised by him. He isn't the kind of person who communicates his feelings. He never has been that kind and I know that, but it's hard accepting the facts when I'm all about my emotions and about letting people know in some way or another how much I appreciate them.

When my mum died, things got even harder. Since that day, something changed (well, a lot of things did, but that's for a later post). My main goal for the past three years has been never to contradict my father. Whatever he says, goes. No matter how much it hurts me or how inconvenient it might be, I have to do as he wishes. I don't want him hurting even more.

Sometimes it just gets to be too much. I break down and I scream at him. We fight and then he acts like nothing happened. And the worst part of it is, he really feels like nothing happened. He has no idea what his words and actions cause. He has no idea how much I'm suffering. He has no idea how much he is hurting the one person he would never want to hurt.

It was always my Mum that I talked to when something big was going on. It was she who knew me, who knew my boyfriends, who knew about my problems, my thoughts, my worries, my ideas. And then she was gone. And there was noone to talk to. And there still isn't. Usually, I'm strong. I can keep it all in, pretend I'm dealing with it in a brave way. But every now and then, I get tired of pretending. I get sick of how little my family knows about me. I get tired of acting as if I didn't want them to know more. I get sick of feeling lost and not having them take my hand when I need it.

Don't get me wrong, we are a very tight-knit family, it's just that I'm the odd one out. I always have been. My mum got me. My dad and sister don't. I'm not angry, I'm not disappointed, I'm not surprised. I'm just really, really sad.