Score

It's cracking. It's happening little by little and that's not a bad thing. Something's falling off it, something that up till now seemed totally solid and strong. Well, coz I made it solid and strong, of course. A one-person totality, something I can never reach. Fucking illusion, unreal, childish expectations. Childish waiting. A lot of waiting for children. No way! Is that really what you want? You don't even know who you are anymore. You don't believe a word you say. You sit in your little chair, moving your fingers, thinking of him and then not thinking of him, you don't think of him, you only think of him and noone else, he's not the only one you think of.

You're fighting with your own self in reality, as if someone had to win. Noone has to win. It's unnecessary. No doubt.

It's not only here that you're not present. You're nowhere. I can't find you anywhere. What is it really, that I'm looking for? I have no idea. At times, an object comes along that gets the role of what I'm looking for and then I realise, I was wrong. Aimless. Dartboard. I'm gonna fire, boom! Come with me! Put my fire out or go to hell! And I'm gonna fire again and then no more hurting you coz I realise, there's no purpose behind it. It came, but then the points change, everything is moving, I am moving and I'm grateful for that. And that's more than enough for me. I see change compared to him. And if he/this leaves, I know another one will come along, another one, another kind, what kind? The loveable other kind. In another way.