C.H.A.O.S.

The strangest thing happened at work today. For the first time in my life, I panicked because of work stuff. I became tense, I felt like crying, I was quite sure that there was no way I could complete the tasks. It was a sucky, sucky feeling and I don't ever want to experience it again!
I started thinking - why? why now? why am I stressing about all of this, when I have finally made the decision to leave? Why is this audit any different from all the other times when I had to prove myself? Why am I taking this so hard?
What the fuck is going on in my head?
I go to the opera, I cry. I watch About Time, I sob. I see my friend for the first time in five years, I hug him and my tears pour into his neck as the cold wind blows my hat half off my head. He holds my head, kisses my forehead and looks at me baffled. "Hey" - he says - "What the fuck? This is not you!" And he is so right, this is NOT me. This is a very weird version of me which I do not like at all. I'm vulnerable, I let myself fall off the track, I give my thoughts away, I drink myself into oblivion, I talk to strangers but don't really say anything. I want help, but I don't accept when someone offers. I curl my hair and then wash it out right away. I'm annoyed by everything, by the clothes on my body. I look at photos of myself and I see nothing.
It's like the best part of me has disappeared.
Or maybe, as someone told me a few hours ago, it has gone on vacation because it needed a little rest.
I'll take the latter option.
Whenever you're ready, dear best part of me ... whenever you're ready!