cannot find it

I want to write something that has
no man, no woman,
there isn't that damned
sexuality, covered/uncovered want to be liked,
no fears, legs in tights stretched out next to coffee tables in a bar,
no anger, no cynical facts that spring from hopelessness,
no humor without reason, and
no avoided, but barely scraped self-pity,
something where the disgusting, conceited, manipulative word, tights, isn't written down,
where my mum isn't there and neither is anyone else's mum,
there is no word of orphans and depression,
there is no contemporary literature and all its glory, no nail-bitten desire to be a hunter,
no free wine poured from one glass to the other, no snobs, no married people,
and none of all this shame,
no dancing, no chat window, no emotional smileys and stickers to substitue
words and feelings,
where I don't have to describe the Oh, passion, Oh, sex, Oh, you godlike female attractions,
where there is no tenosynovitis countable by text messages, no cardiovascular activity and heartburn,
no broken insulin pump, glass-windowed office fear,
no philosophical depth, no two-month notice period, no money problems,
no veiled love of life, no hatred of life with a side of cotton candy,
no dogs covered in huge blankets, no feelings covered in huge blankets,
there are no repetitions, no allusions, no hints,
there is no text,
there is
just
me
without music
until I'm bored.