I am participating in VEDA this year.
The day 1 and day 2 videos are up, enjoy! Sorry about the sound quality and the awkwardness, I'm really new to this.

If I start, when I am in the middle of it, or when I am nearing the end of the thing, I am positive that it will be there, written in bacl and white, that feeling when I sit on my remote control by mistake, and I will have no idea about the fact that I am sitting on it, but it switches off, and everything will be silent. Because a lot of times that is exactly what surprise is like. Or sometimes even life. Not the bad kind, you know, just the kind that feels like something's missing. And then you don't really understand it, you are listening to the silence, and then you realize that you are sitting on the remote control, that I am sitting on it, actually, and it wasn't even you intention to sit on it, it wasn't my intention either. But by that time you get used to the silence and it's kind of nice. It is pressing your ass, my cruel ass - that gorgeous remote control. Fucking television. And all you fucking silences.

2011 - So long, sucker.

Last year started off with a whole lot of university stress, then continued with a diagnosis noone would want to hear, then there was a lot of hearts broken and mended and broken again, I divorces theater and tried to banish all the people that came with it from my life - did not work. I got a job on the 1st of July and met new people, then I started dating my friend of ten years, who then left to Australia on a two-year contract, yay. Theater started filtering back into my life along with the aforementioned people who come with it. My cancer worsened and I started focusing. Then the year came to an end and nothing changed.

Here goes.


What was 2011 for you?

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?

I signed a contract at a corporate company and apparently sold my soul.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

2010 was the first year when I decided not to make new year's resolutions and I stayed true to this tradition in 2011 as well. I did however vow that I would beat cancer this year. Coz I have to and full stop.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

So many babies again this year! My nephew was born for example. I also had three friends give birth this year. It's an epidemic.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Yes. A lot of people close to me died. Coz when we're talking about death, 5 in one year is a lot, right?

Wow ... it's even more shocking when written down.

5. What countries did you visit?

Greece <3, Czech Republic, Austria, Italy

6. What would you like to have had in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?

I would have liked to have a diploma in my hands. I didn't.

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory and why?

- The day I was told I had three months to live if I didn't start treatment right away, because it was one of the most shocking moments of my life - do you know that feeling when disbelief, disgust and fear are mixed with a bit of "Idon'tgiveafuck"?

- The day I started working at IBM.

I'm sure there were more days I should remember, but I can't recall them right now.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Quitting theater. It might sound like nothing, but believe me, I have never had to work so hard at achieving something before.

Oh! Also, passing my linguistics exam.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Not being able to live without a certain someone. I cannot for the life of me understand what I still see in him (oh, yes I can, but don't tell anyone), yet I just need him to be a part of my life.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Pneumonia, tonsillitis, lymphoma. Fun times.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

I'm so happy about my earring-holder! Storing my jewellery has been a huge problem for quite some time.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?

All those friends' and their families' who live tens of thousands of kilometers away from each other. It's tough.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?

Dominique's. She hurt me bad and doesn't even know that she didn't only destroy our friendship, she also made it impossible for me to even think about Joci, who was probably the most special person in my life, and who I just cannot disconnect from Dominique in my mind.

Fuck you, you petty little coward.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Earrings, theater, taxis, alcohol. Lovely.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

All the very important weddings that happened this year.

16. What song will always remind of you 2011?

This one probably. It's the lyrics. Trust me.

17. Compared to this time last year, are:

a)happier or sadder?

Sadder.

b)thinner or fatter?

Fatter.

c) richer or poorer?

Richer.


18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Sports.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Doctor's visits.

20. Did you fall in love in 2011?

No. I didn't fall out of it either, unfortunately.

21. What was your favourite TV program?

Parenthood, Modern Family, So you think you can dance.

22. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Yes, I really do. This is the first time in my life when I can say without the faintest trace of doubt that I hate someone.

23. What was the best book you read?

That's a cruel question and I refuse to answer it.

I did finally read everything I could find by Sylvia Plath. Hm.

24. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Illangó. I'm in love with these three wonderful girls and their voices.
I also rediscovered Tom Waits and fell in love with him all over again.

25. What did you want and get?

It would be nice to know what it is I want, but I don't, so there was no way I could get it.

26. What did you want and not get?

My diploma.

27. What was your favourite film of this year?

I liked Égi Madár, but other than that, no movies really stood out for me.

28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

It was my 26th birthday just a week ago and as usual, it was a whole special birthday week full of surprises, wonderful personal gifts, words that mean a lot, smiles that I though had gotten lost forever.

On the actual day of my birthday I was with my nephew and sister.

29. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?

Non existent. I just wear what I like and feel comfortable in.

30. What kept you sane?

My nephew and Bálint.

31. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

I really can't think of anyone right now.

32. Who did you miss?

My mum. My grandma. My sister. Zsolt. Andi. Norbi. Bálint. Ervin.

33. Who was the best new person you met?

Anna and Reni. Colleagues who are now closer to being friends of mine than just people I work with. Huge gifts of 2011!

34. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.

Be very very very careful with who you trust and love. If you think you already are, then add another dosage of careful to that. Seriously.

35. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

Not gonna happen right now.


May this year bring everyone health, creativity, openness, patience and tolerance. Let's all be a little nicer to each other, it's really not that hard!

Broken into a wheel

Yes, I'm just sitting here, I feel like I'm still a little girl, and it hurts that there is no face to bend down to me, no sweet stroke on my face, although I guess I've been bad too, where would I know from what it is that hurts me? They didn't teach me to be a grown-up, I just work and I step off of escalators in a very strict way, I approve expense claims with my eyes almost closed, and from very early in the morning my brain is thinking, freezing pictures of how my day is going to be, but nothing gets clearer, I just see myself walking in a funny way, my fingers cramped into a fist. How could I ever see the way I hurt you? Why would I hurt you, when I don't want to crack your serious heart, I'm in there as well, I know, next to all those undefined fears. You knew me and you touched me every single time anyway, in places I didn't even know existed, sometimes I'm rambling, sometimes I'm walking along corridors that smell of sweat, who else would I have felt if not you? I needed you, and when you weren't around, fear bit my skin, I snuck out of my house in my dreams to see you, I reached you, I was next to you, I comforted myself into your gorgeous arm's warm scent. And is there any way for me to know what empires you roamed? Did you feel me there all the time? Who could have loved me in a lovinger way? And now you are not bending down to stroke your absence off my tired face. Where are you? Who are you giving your tomorrows to? Are you going to bring back that look-out tower where we were just the two of us on top of the world? I would touch your kind face, your look, I don't even know how a pair of eyes can be that pure, hugging me all the time. Why did I ever let myself forget about us? I need you to look out for me. Why, why, why don't you guard me, why don't you stroke my childhood out of me, why don't you hold a mirror in front of me and draw a picture of how we could be? I am nothing without you. Why couldn't I protect this? And now I'm just sitting here and I am waiting for you to bring back our road, we abandoned our steps, everything has fallen to pieces, it's all so light and yet such a heavy burden that fits into the palm of my hand, it is beating under my nails here. I'm just sitting here with hardened movements, I'd like to drink something that would turn me inside out, I would lose my ground, I would dance for you. Where are you? You would listen to my silent life that I left behind, I sent the dawn away, where would I turn over your sleeping wrinkles, I can't find your face, the pillow is empty, it hurts to go to sleep without saying goodnight to you. You would come just to be, to melt ice cubes that hang from in between my ribs, let's roll around in the snow, let's be snowmen, laugh with me, come back to me just once more, be my life and love me, love me, love me. I really want to love you, to lay back with you in warmth, I love you I love you I love you.
It really hurts to miss you, Mummy.

John Keating, Dead Poet's Society

“So avoid using the word ‘very’ because it is lazy. A man is not very tired, he is exhausted. Don’t use very sad, use morose. Language was invented for one reason, boys - to woo women - and, in that endeavor, laziness will not do.”

Tomboy Style

If not in Budapest, Hungary, I would live in… Athens. If not, New York. Yes, I could definitely see myself living there.And my third choice is Australia.

My current obsessions are… finding new music, postcards, writing

I channel my childhood self when I… jump on beds, dance around the house, or when I'm histerically laughing at something

The fictional characters I most relate to ... have not yet been written down.

If I had to be outdoors all day I would… love every single minute of it! Even if it's freezing cold or puring down with rain, I love being outside! Well, except for when there's a storm. I hate storms.

My favorite quality in a man is… if he is badass. But a good boy at the same time. I like my men bad, but in a good way.

My favorite quality in a woman is… is she is natural. And I don't mean she stinks because she doesn't use deodorant or that she doesn't have fake boobs. I mean natural in character.

I’m terrified of… screwing up University stuff.

My dream car is a… Mini Cooper, black with a white top.

My cocktail of choice is… Mojito, Long Island, Cuba Libre, Singapore Sling, Daiquiri. In that order.

My celebrity crushes are… Anthony Kiedis. Eternal love.

My friends and I like to… spend time together, share stories, discuss, dance, go to the theater.

If I could go back in time for one decade it would be… The Sixties, probably.

As a teenager I was totally into… drugs, theater and music.

I tend to splurge on… books, clothes, accessories.

I tend to survive whatever comes my way …and that’s what makes me have Tomboy Style.

Life as we will never again know it

I am now thinking about the time we first went to Amsterdam, I think it was a warm January, we were jumping on the bed to Madonna-songs in the sauna-hot Apple Inn: he told me a lot of times afterwards, that that time burned into his retina, so many times actually, that the expression got-burnt-into-my-retina became a part of my everyday vocabulary. And now I am thinking about the time when he fell asleep in my lap on the plane to Amsterdam and I realised that one of the stewardesses was my classmate back in high school. I saw mountains from the top for the first time with her. And now I'm thinking about the time we were sitting by the shore, watching those huge ships turn west. We were sitting in a bar on a Budapest street, and he said he was surprised he had found a friend at this age. And now I'm thinking about the time he fell asleep holding my hand. I can't bare to think about whether he was told what was happening to him or not, because I'm sure he knew. I look back and I now understand every single bad decision he made. And now I'm thinking about the time he first came down to the beach and we saw the Danube sparkle, and he screamed out, look, there's a small lake! How cute! And now I remember the nights we worked together, the pink corner, a lot of jokes that only we understood. Now I'm thinking about the first time we went to Brussels. That's when he decided to move there. Paris, windstorm. Amsterdam, club sandwich by the window looking out onto Ej. Brussels, Plattesteen, night sandwiches, bells ringing, chilling, boring-town tempo. At our place, between two chemos, he is planning our trip to the village, so we can rest after this ordeal. Cows, silence with his daddy, chatting to his grandmother. Now I'm thinking about the first time I went camping. I put the tent together in the evening, we ate, we washed ourselves and I waited for the calls, because at night, my sister always called me, and he always called me. That night neither of them called, I stayed up late, cried a little, then fell asleep, and realised the next morning that my phone was out of battery. When I recharged it, I called him and he helped me get home, he knew the way so well. I just finished browsing through his laptop, because I wanted to reach out to him, he can't just leave me here: when I saw his photos from the mountain, that was the worst kind of pain. But it felt good at the same time. Now I'm thinking about the fact that when Constance was hyperactive, he calmed her down by raising her above his head. It worked every time. And now I remember the last time he came home, the walk from the taxi to his bed wore him out so much, that all he could do was collapse and after we put everything away and organised the room, the dog climbed up onto the sofa and watched him from there, longing for a pat, and he actually forced himself to raise his hand so he could caress her.

People from old stories start appearing. Weird, alien manly voices over the phone, shaky, crying voices. Really? Really. Could you call me when ...? Yes. Thank you. It seems so easy to be cool calm collected, I'm standing in front of the pastas in the fucking supermarket with blank eyes and I tell a stranger-half stranger over the phone that yes, he is dead. I wait a little, I say I'm sorry. She asks me, can I tell her how it happened. I tell her. I promise to let her know about the funeral. If I recignise her from his stories, I will call her. She collects herself, says goodbye and hangs up. I go on, I buy a little milk, I pay. I want to kick his bed until I can no longer stand. I try to write e-mails or texts to his friends, to let them know in a discrete way. I throw out the tea he asked for when he was in the hospital. Everywhere and nowhere. It hasn't even been two days. And I knew very well that it was going to hurt this much. When my sister hugs me, I cry a little, almost in a calm way. I swallow my tears until my nose starts bleeding.

The only person I really loved with all his annoying bad habits, is dead. And I feel fucking sorry for myself because he's not with me. Anguish, that I don't want to understand. I knew you, I saw you, I loved you.