Broken into a wheel

Yes, I'm just sitting here, I feel like I'm still a little girl, and it hurts that there is no face to bend down to me, no sweet stroke on my face, although I guess I've been bad too, where would I know from what it is that hurts me? They didn't teach me to be a grown-up, I just work and I step off of escalators in a very strict way, I approve expense claims with my eyes almost closed, and from very early in the morning my brain is thinking, freezing pictures of how my day is going to be, but nothing gets clearer, I just see myself walking in a funny way, my fingers cramped into a fist. How could I ever see the way I hurt you? Why would I hurt you, when I don't want to crack your serious heart, I'm in there as well, I know, next to all those undefined fears. You knew me and you touched me every single time anyway, in places I didn't even know existed, sometimes I'm rambling, sometimes I'm walking along corridors that smell of sweat, who else would I have felt if not you? I needed you, and when you weren't around, fear bit my skin, I snuck out of my house in my dreams to see you, I reached you, I was next to you, I comforted myself into your gorgeous arm's warm scent. And is there any way for me to know what empires you roamed? Did you feel me there all the time? Who could have loved me in a lovinger way? And now you are not bending down to stroke your absence off my tired face. Where are you? Who are you giving your tomorrows to? Are you going to bring back that look-out tower where we were just the two of us on top of the world? I would touch your kind face, your look, I don't even know how a pair of eyes can be that pure, hugging me all the time. Why did I ever let myself forget about us? I need you to look out for me. Why, why, why don't you guard me, why don't you stroke my childhood out of me, why don't you hold a mirror in front of me and draw a picture of how we could be? I am nothing without you. Why couldn't I protect this? And now I'm just sitting here and I am waiting for you to bring back our road, we abandoned our steps, everything has fallen to pieces, it's all so light and yet such a heavy burden that fits into the palm of my hand, it is beating under my nails here. I'm just sitting here with hardened movements, I'd like to drink something that would turn me inside out, I would lose my ground, I would dance for you. Where are you? You would listen to my silent life that I left behind, I sent the dawn away, where would I turn over your sleeping wrinkles, I can't find your face, the pillow is empty, it hurts to go to sleep without saying goodnight to you. You would come just to be, to melt ice cubes that hang from in between my ribs, let's roll around in the snow, let's be snowmen, laugh with me, come back to me just once more, be my life and love me, love me, love me. I really want to love you, to lay back with you in warmth, I love you I love you I love you.
It really hurts to miss you, Mummy.