Here we go again

Confused is the word I'd use. I'm confused.
Tuesday was the third time I was told I have cancer. It was the third time my world fell apart. This time it took just a few hours to recover from the initial shock. This time I told people. This time something's different, because this time my doctors seem more worried than I do. I am confused because it used to be the other way around.
They are playing Beatles in the hospital waiting room and as I go in for my bone marrow biopsy, I can hardly believe that the music doesn't stop in the operating room. And then I kind of hate the person who decided to have music play in there because I will never be able to listen to Lucy in the sky with diamonds again without remembering the pain of the needle searing through my bones. I'm not one to complain about pain, but when it brings tears to my eyes, that I do not like at all.
My hospital roomate had a mastectomy yesterday, and all she talks about is how she hates it when there are homeless people on the street because they disgust her. So do the people on the bus, but thankfully she hardly ever takes the bus, her driver takes her everywhere. I'm just sitting there listening to her and I wish I was brave enough to go up to her and shake her, tell her to be grateful she is still here to witness the world around her. But I'm not brave enough, I just sit there and I am furious in silence.
My friends are amazing. I feel horrible for the worry I put them through, but I'm working through that. People have surfaced, because rumors travel fast. I get phone calls and messages telling me they are there whenever I need them. People I thought I would never hear from again are calling me to let me know they are thinking about me, praying for me.
This has always been a silent time for me. This has always been a time to reflect and to realize all the wonders around me.
I'm not scared at all. I'm ready to go if it's time and I'm ready to survive and keep living. I'm ready for anything right now, I'm ready for the fight. And if I happen to fall into the other 50%, well then so be it. It's been amazing.