Thirty seconds of wonderful

2011 - So long, sucker.

2012-01-01T22:21:00.000-08:00

Last year started off with a whole lot of university stress, then continued with a diagnosis noone would want to hear, then there was a lot of hearts broken and mended and broken again, I divorces theater and tried to banish all the people that came with it from my life - did not work. I got a job on the 1st of July and met new people, then I started dating my friend of ten years, who then left to Australia on a two-year contract, yay. Theater started filtering back into my life along with the aforementioned people who come with it. My cancer worsened and I started focusing. Then the year came to an end and nothing changed.

Here goes.

What was 2011 for you?

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?

I signed a contract at a corporate company and apparently sold my soul.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

2010 was the first year when I decided not to make new year's resolutions and I stayed true to this tradition in 2011 as well. I did however vow that I would beat cancer this year. Coz I have to and full stop.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

So many babies again this year! My nephew was born for example. I also had three friends give birth this year. It's an epidemic.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Yes. A lot of people close to me died. Coz when we're talking about death, 5 in one year is a lot, right?

Wow ... it's even more shocking when written down.

5. What countries did you visit?

Greece <3, Czech Republic, Austria, Italy

6. What would you like to have had in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?

I would have liked to have a diploma in my hands. I didn't.

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory and why?

- The day I was told I had three months to live if I didn't start treatment right away, because it was one of the most shocking moments of my life - do you know that feeling when disbelief, disgust and fear are mixed with a bit of "Idon'tgiveafuck"?

- The day I started working at IBM.

I'm sure there were more days I should remember, but I can't recall them right now.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Quitting theater. It might sound like nothing, but believe me, I have never had to work so hard at achieving something before.

Oh! Also, passing my linguistics exam.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Not being able to live without a certain someone. I cannot for the life of me understand what I still see in him (oh, yes I can, but don't tell anyone), yet I just need him to be a part of my life.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Pneumonia, tonsillitis, lymphoma. Fun times.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

I'm so happy about my earring-holder! Storing my jewellery has been a huge problem for quite some time.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?

All those friends' and their families' who live tens of thousands of kilometers away from each other. It's tough.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?

Dominique's. She hurt me bad and doesn't even know that she didn't only destroy our friendship, she also made it impossible for me to even think about Joci, who was probably the most special person in my life, and who I just cannot disconnect from Dominique in my mind.

Fuck you, you petty little coward.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Earrings, theater, taxis, alcohol. Lovely.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

All the very important weddings that happened this year.

16. What song will always remind of you 2011?

This one probably. It's the lyrics. Trust me.

17. Compared to this time last year, are:

a)happier or sadder?

Sadder.

b)thinner or fatter?

Fatter.

c) richer or poorer?

Richer.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Sports.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Doctor's visits.

20. Did you fall in love in 2011?

No. I didn't fall out of it either, unfortunately.

21. What was your favourite TV program?

Parenthood, Modern Family, So you think you can dance.

22. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Yes, I really do. This is the first time in my life when I can say without the faintest trace of doubt that I hate someone.

23. What was the best book you read?

That's a cruel question and I refuse to answer it.

I did finally read everything I could find by Sylvia Plath. Hm.

24. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Illangó. I'm in love with these three wonderful girls and their voices.
I also rediscovered Tom Waits and fell in love with him all over again.

25. What did you want and get?

It would be nice to know what it is I want, but I don't, so there was no way I could get it.

26. What did you want and not get?

My diploma.

27. What was your favourite film of this year?

I liked Égi Madár, but other than that, no movies really stood out for me.

28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

It was my 26th birthday just a week ago and as usual, it was a whole special birthday week full of surprises, wonderful personal gifts, words that mean a lot, smiles that I though had gotten lost forever.

On the actual day of my birthday I was with my nephew and sister.

29. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?

Non existent. I just wear what I like and feel comfortable in.

30. What kept you sane?

My nephew and Bálint.

31. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

I really can't think of anyone right now.

32. Who did you miss?

My mum. My grandma. My sister. Zsolt. Andi. Norbi. Bálint. Ervin.

33. Who was the best new person you met?

Anna and Reni. Colleagues who are now closer to being friends of mine than just people I work with. Huge gifts of 2011!

34. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.

Be very very very careful with who you trust and love. If you think you already are, then add another dosage of careful to that. Seriously.

35. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

Not gonna happen right now.

May this year bring everyone health, creativity, openness, patience and tolerance. Let's all be a little nicer to each other, it's really not that hard!

Broken into a wheel

2011-12-18T09:39:00.001-08:00

Yes, I'm just sitting here, I feel like I'm still a little girl, and it hurts that there is no face to bend down to me, no sweet stroke on my face, although I guess I've been bad too, where would I know from what it is that hurts me? They didn't teach me to be a grown-up, I just work and I step off of escalators in a very strict way, I approve expense claims with my eyes almost closed, and from very early in the morning my brain is thinking, freezing pictures of how my day is going to be, but nothing gets clearer, I just see myself walking in a funny way, my fingers cramped into a fist. How could I ever see the way I hurt you? Why would I hurt you, when I don't want to crack your serious heart, I'm in there as well, I know, next to all those undefined fears. You knew me and you touched me every single time anyway, in places I didn't even know existed, sometimes I'm rambling, sometimes I'm walking along corridors that smell of sweat, who else would I have felt if not you? I needed you, and when you weren't around, fear bit my skin, I snuck out of my house in my dreams to see you, I reached you, I was next to you, I comforted myself into your gorgeous arm's warm scent. And is there any way for me to know what empires you roamed? Did you feel me there all the time? Who could have loved me in a lovinger way? And now you are not bending down to stroke your absence off my tired face. Where are you? Who are you giving your tomorrows to? Are you going to bring back that look-out tower where we were just the two of us on top of the world? I would touch your kind face, your look, I don't even know how a pair of eyes can be that pure, hugging me all the time. Why did I ever let myself forget about us? I need you to look out for me. Why, why, why don't you guard me, why don't you stroke my childhood out of me, why don't you hold a mirror in front of me and draw a picture of how we could be? I am nothing without you. Why couldn't I protect this? And now I'm just sitting here and I am waiting for you to bring back our road, we abandoned our steps, everything has fallen to pieces, it's all so light and yet such a heavy burden that fits into the palm of my hand, it is beating under my nails here. I'm just sitting here with hardened movements, I'd like to drink something that would turn me inside out, I would lose my ground, I would dance for you. Where are you? You would listen to my silent life that I left behind, I sent the dawn away, where would I turn over your sleeping wrinkles, I can't find your face, the pillow is empty, it hurts to go to sleep without saying goodnight to you. You would come just to be, to melt ice cubes that hang from in between my ribs, let's roll around in the snow, let's be snowmen, laugh with me, come back to me just once more, be my life and love me, love me, love me. I really want to love you, to lay back with you in warmth, I love you I love you I love you.
It really hurts to miss you, Mummy.

John Keating, Dead Poet's Society

2011-09-30T06:20:00.000-07:00

“So avoid using the word ‘very’ because it is lazy. A man is not very tired, he is exhausted. Don’t use very sad, use morose. Language was invented for one reason, boys - to woo women - and, in that endeavor, laziness will not do.”

Tomboy Style

2011-05-10T22:23:00.000-07:00

If not in Budapest, Hungary, I would live in… Athens. If not, New York. Yes, I could definitely see myself living there.And my third choice is Australia.

My current obsessions are… finding new music, postcards, writing

I channel my childhood self when I… jump on beds, dance around the house, or when I'm histerically laughing at something

The fictional characters I most relate to ... have not yet been written down.

If I had to be outdoors all day I would… love every single minute of it! Even if it's freezing cold or puring down with rain, I love being outside! Well, except for when there's a storm. I hate storms.

My favorite quality in a man is… if he is badass. But a good boy at the same time. I like my men bad, but in a good way.

My favorite quality in a woman is… is she is natural. And I don't mean she stinks because she doesn't use deodorant or that she doesn't have fake boobs. I mean natural in character.

I’m terrified of… screwing up University stuff.

My dream car is a… Mini Cooper, black with a white top.

My cocktail of choice is… Mojito, Long Island, Cuba Libre, Singapore Sling, Daiquiri. In that order.

My celebrity crushes are… Anthony Kiedis. Eternal love.

My friends and I like to… spend time together, share stories, discuss, dance, go to the theater.

If I could go back in time for one decade it would be… The Sixties, probably.

As a teenager I was totally into… drugs, theater and music.

I tend to splurge on… books, clothes, accessories.

I tend to survive whatever comes my way …and that’s what makes me have Tomboy Style.

Life as we will never again know it

2011-05-10T06:55:00.001-07:00

I am now thinking about the time we first went to Amsterdam, I think it was a warm January, we were jumping on the bed to Madonna-songs in the sauna-hot Apple Inn: he told me a lot of times afterwards, that that time burned into his retina, so many times actually, that the expression got-burnt-into-my-retina became a part of my everyday vocabulary. And now I am thinking about the time when he fell asleep in my lap on the plane to Amsterdam and I realised that one of the stewardesses was my classmate back in high school. I saw mountains from the top for the first time with her. And now I'm thinking about the time we were sitting by the shore, watching those huge ships turn west. We were sitting in a bar on a Budapest street, and he said he was surprised he had found a friend at this age. And now I'm thinking about the time he fell asleep holding my hand. I can't bare to think about whether he was told what was happening to him or not, because I'm sure he knew. I look back and I now understand every single bad decision he made. And now I'm thinking about the time he first came down to the beach and we saw the Danube sparkle, and he screamed out, look, there's a small lake! How cute! And now I remember the nights we worked together, the pink corner, a lot of jokes that only we understood. Now I'm thinking about the first time we went to Brussels. That's when he decided to move there. Paris, windstorm. Amsterdam, club sandwich by the window looking out onto Ej. Brussels, Plattesteen, night sandwiches, bells ringing, chilling, boring-town tempo. At our place, between two chemos, he is planning our trip to the village, so we can rest after this ordeal. Cows, silence with his daddy, chatting to his grandmother. Now I'm thinking about the first time I went camping. I put the tent together in the evening, we ate, we washed ourselves and I waited for the calls, because at night, my sister always called me, and he always called me. That night neither of them called, I stayed up late, cried a little, then fell asleep, and realised the next morning that my phone was out of battery. When I recharged it, I called him and he helped me get home, he knew the way so well. I just finished browsing through his laptop, because I wanted to reach out to him, he can't just leave me here: when I saw his photos from the mountain, that was the worst kind of pain. But it felt good at the same time. Now I'm thinking about the fact that when Constance was hyperactive, he calmed her down by raising her above his head. It worked every time. And now I remember the last time he came home, the walk from the taxi to his bed wore him out so much, that all he could do was collapse and after we put everything away and organised the room, the dog climbed up onto the sofa and watched him from there, longing for a pat, and he actually forced himself to raise his hand so he could caress her.

People from old stories start appearing. Weird, alien manly voices over the phone, shaky, crying voices. Really? Really. Could you call me when ...? Yes. Thank you. It seems so easy to be cool calm collected, I'm standing in front of the pastas in the fucking supermarket with blank eyes and I tell a stranger-half stranger over the phone that yes, he is dead. I wait a little, I say I'm sorry. She asks me, can I tell her how it happened. I tell her. I promise to let her know about the funeral. If I recignise her from his stories, I will call her. She collects herself, says goodbye and hangs up. I go on, I buy a little milk, I pay. I want to kick his bed until I can no longer stand. I try to write e-mails or texts to his friends, to let them know in a discrete way. I throw out the tea he asked for when he was in the hospital. Everywhere and nowhere. It hasn't even been two days. And I knew very well that it was going to hurt this much. When my sister hugs me, I cry a little, almost in a calm way. I swallow my tears until my nose starts bleeding.

The only person I really loved with all his annoying bad habits, is dead. And I feel fucking sorry for myself because he's not with me. Anguish, that I don't want to understand. I knew you, I saw you, I loved you.

Kosher love

2011-05-06T03:59:00.000-07:00

I was asked to give a presentation about sexuality, sex, sexual orientation.

What a challenge! I've been blushing ever since.

This is the question humanity just can't deal with most of the time. I've suspected this for a long time, but now that I studied the global history of sex, I am more and more convinced.

I turn the pages of different scientific books, confessions, poems, philosophical, ethnographic, psychological and religious studies with burning ears and an overwhelming interest.

Frigyes Karinthy wrote an awesome play. It's called The Magic Chair and it is about a chair, that if you sit on, makes you tell the truth, makes you start speaking honestly about all those "sinful" thoughts that you keep a secret even in front of yourself. This play, if I remember correctly, ends with the chair being destroyed so the world won't come to an end.

I've been sitting on one of these chairs for two months now, and I have no idea whether I should be embarrassed, or whether I should laugh, be surprised, be amazed, or maybe if I should drop down on my knees in front of the wonder of Life, which was created to fool us (or perhaps to challenge us?). The neverending fountain of the tragedy and comedy of our lives is sex.

It is our greatest value and our greatest misery, all rolled into one.

And there's no way science could be right about this matter, because it never takes into account the deeper layers of our souls, our imaginations and the divine - the metaphysical knowledge of man and woman. In sexuality, the sensual-carnal part of our being cooperates with our most divine part: we encounter each other via our bodies and at the same time we become Creators, we can bring new life to this Earth.

I am only going to mention what I last read.

It seems to me that Jewish tradition understands this complexity. The law states that a man owes his woman three things after getting married.

Food, clothes and sex. If he cannot provide one of these: the marriage is invalid.

Obviously, there were different rabbi schools.

Talmud talks about an argument.

The Samaj school says: if the husband doesn't go near his wife for two weeks, he can be forced to divorce her.

According to Hilel's school, the deadline is one week, which means that the maximum amount of time that can be spent without sex is seven days.

Since married life duties are religious duties in the life of a man, Talmud laws clearly state how many times members of different social layers have to have sex.

Economically independent men have to have sex every day. (Wow!)

For workers, it's twice a week.

For mule-drivers, it's once a week.

For camel-drivers, it's once every thirty days.

For sailors, it is once every six months. (According to the Misna.)

But that is not all.

If a worker lives at home, or works near his house, then it's twice a week for them, as I said.

But if he is forced to work in another city, his wife can legally keep him from working because he wouldn't be able to fulfil his manly duties.

All these things seem funny today. A man of our times would actually think about whether it would be a good thing to be economically independent under these circumstances. The price to pay isn't small: at least once every day by law! That's something ...

But these are only the complicated rules. The metaphysical parts are prettier. Tradition has it that it is not only reproduction which is sacred, but also making love. So the value of making love doesn't depend on whether the man and the woman get a baby out of it or not.

It is a known fact that Saturdays are sacred.

But to hug your lawfully wedded wife or husband, this day seems like the perfect time.

"Let the sacred day be the time of the sacred act."

"Wise men of other nations teach that our sensual experiences are to be kept a secret" - says a Talmud-teacher from the 18th century. - "We say that having sex is good and it is the act of reaching a higher state. It benefits both body and soul - and it is sacred. If the act is done in the right state of soul and with the right intentions, then there is no human act which is at a higher sacred level."

Language also keeps a deep secret, which is relevant to the subject. Making love in Hebrew is called: yáda. It means: getting to know. Adam got to know Eve - and that's how little Cain was born.

If you think about how many obscene words we use for sex, which should always be talked about with respect ... And if you think about the fact that among all these obscene words and expressions, the most acceptable is probably the very scientific-sounding sexual intercourse, you will see where we have sunk with our false preconceptions and our enlightenment.

Getting to know has three stages.

Understanding. When I know with my brain, what the other is like.

The surprise factor. When I realise, "Wow, I know him/her!"

And the third and deepest stage is what Plato calls "remembering".

What do I remember? That he is mine, and I am his.

I remember you, it's just that I forgot you. Of course! We lost each other, and now, in the ecstasy of our hugs, we found each other. We are one again!

"Flesh of my flesh, soul to the soul."

This must have been what Adam experienced when he "got to know" Eve. Of course, this familiar woman was created out of his ribs. She was wripped out of him, while he was sleeping. But in the garden of Eden they were still together. He remembered her back then. And now, he is starting to recall her again ...

This is what people experience when making love is real: "I am now going to hug you back into myself, if you cuddle up real close. And you will find your place, inside of me."

Language of love

2011-04-26T03:14:00.000-07:00

I think we don't tell each other enough times that we love the other. Or that we appreciate what they do.

I know, it's so cheesy that in movies people are constantly saying "I love you." or "I value your personality.", but what if that's actually a good thing? What if everyone actually needs that? What if we encouraged each other more often? What if we "loved" each other a little more?

I know myself. I need words. I need people who are important to me to support me.

I've always felt and known that my family loves and supports me, no matter what I decide to do next. But nowadays I spend most of my time with people who are not part of my family.

And I need exactly the amount of support at work and from my friends that I got from my family back in the day. I really don't think I'm the only person who feels this way ...

Not that I'm so good at this. I've been working on it for years. To always express what I feel, what I think, even if it seems irrelevant. I don't think it's been going too well, but I'm still trying.

Obviously, one has to be able to accept those kind words. I mean, if I tell someone that they rock my world, but they don't believe me or my words don't mean anything to them or they constantly reply to my compliments in a negative way ... well then, it seems like there is no need to say the words. But the truth is, these people are making it so much harder for themselves, not for me.

I say, "You look good today!", and they say, "Oh, so I don't usually look good?"

Sometimes I think we are hopeless.

So: Whoever you are, if you're reading this, I'm happy you are here. I'm happy for you, I think it's great that you take the time to read my words. Feel yourself at home, and please come again anytime! :-)

Human nature

2011-04-25T16:06:00.001-07:00

Everything gets solved phisically. No way can you understand something and then be calm in it. They either humiliate you in your body, or they praise you, or they rape you, or they accept you, but everything has to happen in the body, otherwise it will never be truly over. That which doesn't happen through the body, will always be something on hold, something pending. That's just human nature.

Sad and Angry

2011-04-22T09:19:00.000-07:00

How to make missing him bearable. First of all, it is prohibited to think of the fact that I miss him. I have to let minutes, hours and days pass by. At times, they go by fast, other times they go by slower. I live from e-mail to e-mail, from conversation to conversation, I drift. And it works. Usually.

And then the world's worst feeling strikes in. At night, on a ship somewhere in the middle of the sea, after havin had a bottle of wine, in the middle of a concert. And I realise that the bad feeling that keeps my daily routine going, comes from missing him. I'm not strong enough, I'm not brave enough, I'm not happy without him. I'm ... I'm just not without him.

And it's fucking hard.

To be born an astronaut

2011-03-27T10:44:00.000-07:00

My friend's daddy got a telescope from his son for his 50th birthday. It was a clear summer night so we put it together in the garden right away.

I looked into it.

Outer space opened up right in front of my eyes. It was a good telescope, I felt like I was holding the sky in my hands. I stood there, watching, for a very long time. I studied the Milky Way and I searched for constellations.

The Moon amazed me. I marvelled at it, I was stunned by the view.

But at the same time I couldn't resist the other planets. As soon as I caught a glimpse of a pretty planet, I got lost in it. And the ones I found pretty were the ones that were close to me. I felt a peculiar fraternity, which filled my heart with warmth. I reached out for them, and I stroked them in my imagination.

I was an astronaut, going through millions of years, with ashes of lost civilizations under my feet. Mistique. Fantastic. Gripping adventures. I opened my arms, and I knew that everything I saw from here, was going to be mine one day. I felt the intention and the power in myself , but then the Sun came up and rid me of the buzz. That is when I learned that we always have to fight for our dreams much harder than what we first imagine.

I asked myself, how could it ever be possible to bathe in the beauty of the Moon all the time, when Saturn, Jupiter and Venus are also here? Dear god. They are all so marvellous, I wish I could trace them with my fingers. I am small - I thought -, I am so tiny, how amazing is it that I can take in this much of what is up there with these two little button eyes of mine? Who is brave enough after all this, to tell me that tomorrow I am not going to find a planet even more beautiful than these ones? And if I do, then as sorry as I am, I am never going to be able to give men a home, I will always remain an exotic island. Why? Because I was born an astronaut.

And you are the supernovas. I ask you not to be angry with me for wanting so badly to touch all your surfaces.

Mug

2011-03-11T01:57:00.000-08:00

She gave birth to her child. She complained. Yeah, she was really good at that. There was a child, coz she had wanted one. But there were problems with the sex. The problem was either the fact that there was sex, or the fact that there wasn’t or the fact that there was sex, but not the kind she wanted. How long should she have waited? Then they got divorced to top it all off. The man, and the woman. At one point they got divorced together. And some of them even had a second child.

There are people, who are happy. But what is happiness and where is it nowadays? Why does she say that? Back in the day, there were wars, they took them to fight, to Vietnam, there were single parents and all. But she didn’t know of that. And then there’s cancer. But then again, cancer existed back in the day as well. The kids are hyperactive. So what can she say to that? Let them run it off.

Look. There should be a tradition in every family, where every member shouts their pains into a mug, the woman, the man, then later the child as well, when it grows a little. Everyone needs a mug, she says. I should go to bed, she also says. Yea, yea, that bloody ambiguity. Not go to bed like that, I mean, I’m tired. So shout it, she says, holding the mug in front of her. The bills, the unpaid bills, but you know, I don’t always say these things, because you tell me I’m complaining. Stop whispering. But I’m telling you, she complains. You complain. The woman complains as well, she gave birth. Or she didn’t. Should she go to that goa party or should she enroll the kid at school? The unborn kid, who might never even be born. Where should I go?, she asks.

I have a different problem. Not the social networking sites with all the photos from Tunisia and the dated wedding-photos and pictures of the newborns, but the fact that my hands have started to wrinkle. My hairdresser, this wonderful little creature, she’s 22 and she’s complaining and she took the woman, who is really 30 years old, for a 24 year old. I mean, that’s something, right?

But you know, that’s not all. Like, remember all the stuff? Like when we were sitting in our rented flat about 12 years ago, full of libido, when we thought nothing of nothing and especially not of something, although I majored in Hungarian and Esthetics, and the other one majored in American Studies and gender studies, and that third chick cried so hard while on the phone, because she had a broken heart, but while crying really hard, she was looking at herself in the mirror. And we didn’t believe her. You can’t just cry into a mirror, especially not when you have an audience. And next year, she wasn’t living with us anymore.

But if you look at it close, stuff happens in the world, to women and to men as well. It’s like a computerized squash-game. Like, commodore 64 in the graphic-section. Dollar-sign, comma, eight, colon. There was ratio in that. The woman hits the wall, he fucks her, the woman doesn’t hit the wall, he doesn’t fuck her. That’s a way of looking at it, right? Of course, she remembers.

Life is cheaper in the countryside, we have to keep that in mind. And then there are glowing eyes, and commitment, we have to keep that in mind as well. But then you need a car, because otherwise you’re forgotten forever. The happening is always in the six and in the seven, just pay attention to it. Pay attention to it. You are too big of a snob for eight. And you’re not smart enough for twelve.

You think you’re so special? Nothing has any effect on you, is that what you think? Toilet paper, eight-pack and all the stuff on sale in your own brand anywhere? Come on, look at yourself!
Noone is above anything, some of us get ruined one way and others get ruined another way. Yeah, I mean, every bad thing had its good moments and vice versa.

Wow, how fucking smart she is all of a sudden.

She complains, she gave birth, she complains, she didn’t give birth. Just let her shout it into the mug. Just make her stop bothering me with all the mugs …

Silence

2011-03-06T00:59:00.001-08:00

The silence was massive. We never spoke. I drowned myself in another world, I didn’t play with the kids. They formed their own little commune, where noone could enter. I just sat and stared at our only room’s rotting walls, the small window’s paint chips, the cracks in the wood of the ceiling, and then I just strolled around in the back garden, among the hills and valleys and I sat down in the grass.

I was so calm, I felt so free, I dreamt of eating as much as I could every day, I imagined multi-layer salami sandwiches, pretty clothes, a lot of books, a bike, 100-piece marker set, a huge boksz of pencils, a whole shelf with papers on it, notebooks and pens, colorful envelopes … I was satisfied. I knew this was going to be mine, we would have our own house, we’ll have food to eat, we won’t live in a dark hole with an old lady who never let me play int he back yard and who scolded me for shouting, she never gave us any pears, but we stole one anyway when she went into the village. When she got back, shoe counted them, and then … But when she left again, we went to the attic to collect all the glass we could find, so we could sell it and buy something really pretty for Mummy.

Int he kitchen there were two big buckets on the long bench. We brought fresh water in them with my sister, the well wasn’t that far, out on the street, almost right in front of the house. But the real party was when we went to get milk, up to the village. We had to go in the evening and we took the top off the jug and turned it around and around fast and we were amazed by the fact that not even a drop of milk left the container.

It was even before this, we lived in another lady’s house, our dad was nowhere to be seen. Mum worked the night shift and the morning shift at times, u pin the capital, on these occasions I had to wake my sister, we washed our faces, I made the beds, I locked the door, took her to daycare, and I went to school. I was in the first grade, I was six years old. When mum worked the afternoon shift, I went to pick my sister up from daycare after school, we played at home, we had dinner, I washed the dishes, we tidied up and then went to bed. Mum got home around 11 pm, we were asleep by that time. Everything was so calm. So quiet.

I loved going to school, teachers praised me, they patted my head, I was so grateful to them, that I felt I owed it to them to study. They showed me a bunch of wonderful things and they payed attention to me. I was happy, yes, of this I am sure. I gave little kisses to my books every morning, I knew, that one day I would be a teacher, too. I taught my sister every day after daycare. I knew I would be one of those smiling teachers, like my teacher, with an open look in my eyes. I never doubted the fact that I would one day become a teacher.

It happened even before these times, when mum left dad and we moved to this other village, where we lived with yet another old lady, there was no floor, it was sand and dirt, you know, it was one of those houses where we had to water the floor every morning, so it wouldn’t be dusty int he rooms. I was 5 years old then. Dad came after us, he begged mum. And then on an early summer evening we were just standing in the doorway, we were waiting for dad, he had to pay us that day. We were hungry. Dad didn’t come. Mum didn’t say anything. She didn’t raise her voice, not once. She cried quietly, we just stood there hugging her, it was getting chilly. We turned, slowly, I let go of the gate, and then the old lady came up to us and gave us both a loaf of bread. One for me, one for my sister. And this is why I loved mum. Although later she couldn’t even look a tus, she couldn’t smile at us, she couldn’t protect us and give us hugs, I loved her for that moment. Because that day she stayed hungry. And there were a lot of days when she stayed hungry. And back then, she would hug us, even if she was hungry … I was happy.

Regional dialect meme

2011-01-24T12:16:00.000-08:00

I can't be left out, so here goes ...

People say my English is more American than anything else, I think it's a mixture of Greek, Hungarian, American and very little British, but all this only shows when I speak for a little longer than what is on this video (plus when I'm not told what to say).

It's funny how I HATE watching and hearing myself, but at the same time I'm the worst exhibitionist out there. Contradictions. Story of my life ...

Here is the list of words to be pronounced and questions to be answered:

Say these words:

Aunt, Route, Wash, Oil, Theater, Iron, Salmon, Caramel, Fire, Water, Sure, Data, Ruin, Crayon, Toilet, New Orleans, Pecan, Both, Again, Probably, Spitting image, Alabama, Lawyer, Coupon, Mayonnaise, Syrup, Pajamas, Caught

Now answer these questions:

What is it called when you throw toilet paper on a house?
What is the bug that when you touch it, it curls into a ball?
What is the bubbly carbonated drink called?
What do you call gym shoes?
What do you say to address a group of people?
What do you call the kind of spider that has an oval-shaped body and extremely long legs?
What do you call your grandparents?
What do you call the wheeled contraption in which you carry groceries at the supermarket?
What do you call it when rain falls while the sun is shining?
What is the thing you change the TV channel with?

Alternative Venice

2010-10-13T10:36:00.000-07:00

Venice could so fuck with the world one day. A day, when they decide not to let any tourists into the city. Only citizens could stay and work there. Only gondoliérs would shop at the expensive designer shops, vendors from the fish-market would sit at the coffee houses after work, only the museologist girl with the nice ass would be walking along the shore of the Canal Grande. No Bollywood shooting teams, noone buys tickets to go on the vaporetto and not one person would stop at The Bridge of Sighs to take photos. A lot of people would enter The Doge's Palace for the first time in their lives to see the exhibition. A lot of people would photograph themselves with their wives while leaning on the rail of a bridge for the first time in their lives. A lot of people would notice for the first time in their lives that the tower of the nearest temple really is slanting.
It would be weird. Weird, but nice.

Connection

2010-09-16T11:05:00.000-07:00

The soot of the night has stuck to me.
A man in front of me. Alone.
My personality is faced with me
on the dark, humming train.

Now I am woman. I could be man.
I could ask: why is it that I am woman?
I hardly ever find an explanation to
questions beginning with why.

I look the man in his forties up and down.
Jeans, cell phone, family. Somewhere.
His personality lights up in the night.
Rattling in the heart of the Budapest train.

To keep my womanhood, I smile.
I don't look at him. It's fair to him this way.
The connection responsible for us
still filters through the soot of the night.

That's how we rattle - that's how we have to rattle -
all the way to Szeged.
This is the night state of mind.
I think, probably, even God can't
find an explanation to the whys of our lives.

Reporting a state of mind

2010-09-16T00:23:00.000-07:00

The Sun bleeds all over the horizon when twilight comes. The blood dries up during the night and the following day's morning, but only to cover the scenery all over again in the evening. The gore floats over barren soil in the form of big red veils and gets stuck in the branches of dead trees.

The heat is unbearable in the desert at noon. The hills and valleys of sand-dunes don't move, because even the wind doesn't come out this far. Shadows form faces with the eternal death-scream frozen onto them. Human skeletons drag themselves tirelessly in the sand. Their bone-fingers dive into the grains of sand and they keep crawling in the swelter. They are damned souls, mortal remains of optimists. They are the ones who said life was beautiful and that there is always sun above the clouds. They are the ones who lied and said everything would be all right. They are the ones who never gave up hope. They are still looking for their oasis, the land of promises. And the sand will forever guard the trails of how they dragged their own bone-bodies.

Grey oceans ripple ruefully under the cloudy sky. Their surface is covered with rotting whale- and fish carcases in a way that the water itself and the rainbow-like oil stains on it can hardly be seen. The stenchy remains rise and fall along with the waves into eternity. Sometimes rain falls out of the clouds; slow, drizzling rain, just like when someone cries.

There is no life on the old continent. The last shreds of skin of civilization have long disappeared. A rusty coke can lies on the rubble of the desert as a memento to the fact that people lived here once. The buildings have all crumbled to the ground. Screaming vulture-skeletons float around the castle ruins, while skulls of rats are watching them from the dried-up, cracked ground.

During the night the dry vastness of forests are filled with ghosts, their moans rustle between the creaking branches. Dead pieces of trees keep falling to the ground, making billions of tiny clicking sounds. Ghosts fly around weeping in the moonlight, resting on stone-dry tree trunks and only the first pale rays of the Sun can shoo them away.

The planet looks pathetic even from outer space. It's just floating in nothing, like a dead fish in a river. You can hardly tell the lead-grey seas from the slate-grey shores.

In the spacestone-zone behind Mars, God's corpse is floating along with angel cadavers and their frozen wings.

Crazy beautiful

2010-09-13T01:18:00.001-07:00

- You're crazy beautiful.
- Crazy AND beautiful?
- Crazy AND beautiful AND crazy beautiful.

Catch the moment ...

2010-08-15T04:14:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I'd like to catch the moment when things change. The moment when something really important turns into something quite insignificant, the moment when you laugh at the impossible lies you hear instead of getting angry. The moment when you turn a dream into reality, all alone, the moment when you scatter your secrets in front him (and not just your secrets - also your scarf, your pullover and your stockings) and nothing hurts, even though he doesn't value that moment as much as he should. To catch the moment when solid knowledge takes the place of uncertainty, the moment when the scale turns to the other side, the ever-changing becomes stationary, the moment when pieces of the mosaic become one clear picture.
I'd like to catch the moments that are uncatchable.
Changes always come with the wind and they always leave a trace behind them when the storm moves away.

2010-07-29T08:19:00.000-07:00

Your secret from Jean-Sebastien Monzani on Vimeo.

Nocturne

2010-07-22T00:54:00.000-07:00

Let me tell you a little about my Mr. Actor.

Mr. Actor is a little narcistic, like most actors I suppose, he's a little immature, like most men in their thirties and he's a little annoying, like most men.

Mr. Actor has wonderful curly hair, smiling eyes with an impish look in them and he has the most exquisite taste. His fingers are the most beautiful works of art I have ever seen. Mr. Actor has this air about him that will sweep you off your feet in a second, great sense of humor, always knows what to say. He's flirtatious. Mr. Actor is confident, yet he needs constant reassuring. Mr. Actor is a typical actor.

Mr. Actor was waiting for me on the corner of the street and as I approached him in my white skirt, my legs were shaking. Right in the first ten seconds, he made two compliments and by the time we got to his house, I had fallen in love with his dimples. Mr. Actor's cat is huge, distrustful, a little hostile, but after a couple of minutes she was curled up and purring beside me. Mr. Actor gave me yummie cheese and wine, I got tipsy of course. Mr. Actor kept sitting closer to me, I could feel his attraction, we laughed, we played around with our words, we flirted, I wanted him. He hugged me, caressed me, came closer into my aura. We skipped a couple of steps. Mr. Actor sat at the piano, played Chopin and amazed me, I watched him with trembling legs, touched by his music and I fell in love with his fingers as well. Mr. Actor's tongue is sweet and playful, his arms are strong, his skin is magnetic, his hair screams for fingers to play with it. We slept cuddling., with kisses, with the cat, with the sound of buses under the window.

Mr. Actor is all over the place, he beats about the bush, he can't pronounce the words, I don't need you enough. Mr. Actor pushes me away, but my hands won't let go. Mr. Actor doesn't want me, but he is jealous. He is easy to offend and it is hard to placate. Mr. Actor is unsolvable. Mr. Actor can come up with the most unexpected, illogical, wanton ideas. Mr. Actor has tied me to himself with a string that just won't break.

I really like Mr. Actor. Coz why would it be simple when it can be complicated, too, right?

Ravel

2010-07-21T14:26:00.000-07:00

My heart can be broken even after three dates. He swept me off my feet right on the first night we spent together with wine and Chopin, I could have listened to him play for hours, there was no little devil on my left shoulder, I wasn't thinking about what was going to happen the next minute.

I didn't understand how we could be so close and yet so far apart. Every time he woke up during the night, he made sure that at least one part of our bodies was touching. I didn't understand it, but then again, I wasn't trying to, either. I was just living through the moments, one after another.

I found a guy who seemed so perfect, who met every expectation I had, except for one. He wasn't ready for me. Sure, I know, if the whole thing was that way or if I was that way, then he wouldn't be hesitating. He would just jump right in, or at least he would try. Through the years, I have learnt that uncertainty comes when something is missing. That little something special, you know?

I didn't understand why he hugged me so tight, why he didn't let go of me, why we were holding each other for so long while we were breaking up (?), I didn't understand why he was kissing my moist cheeks and my salty mouth, why it was so hard to free my fingers from his grasp when I stepped out the door.

I didn't understand why it could never simply just work out for me. Why can't I ever get my own happy end?

Another screwed up drawing that has to be torn out of the book.

Key, from the inside

2010-07-16T12:14:00.000-07:00

I'm not a big fan of universal honesty. I find that forming something beautiful out of something really ugly without telling lies is a wonderful accomplishment and a brave challenge to take on. Bows are my friends, my soldiers are the flowers of speech, my confidant is the Present Simple tense.

In a relationship a girl's best friends are distance and lack of time. If they aren't available, secrets will also do the trick. Secrets, of which - to be completely honest - there aren't many. Therefore we create secrets by adding perfume scent, missed calls and "we can explain" to the witch's brew. Just for you.

He loved touching objects. Objects blended with his soft hands just like cats in heat do with any person's hand. His spatial coordination wasn't what you would call confident, yet it was usually me who was asking him where my keys were. He stuck his index finger into the keyring, tilted his hip towards the right a little, like primadonnas do before the ovation:
- I can see you're looking for these. Am I right? - then he raised his voice, adding a little arrogance to it -, am I right?

- I can see you should go stick something up your ass.

How dare he annoy me early in the morning?!

- Aren't you looking for these?

I was madly in love with this flippant arrogance. I liked that he thought I would take a lot of shit from him.

And he was right. I did take a lot of shit from him without saying a word.

He demanded we watch football on TV.

- Isn't it OK if I just turn on the radio? Then I could watch TV.
- No, I want to watch TV.

So I stepped to the television and turned on the radio right next to it. No difference between the two.

- No, no, no. Please. I'm not stupid. And since you acted like you thought I was stupid, make me some garlic soup.

Without thyme. He like it without thyme. But thyme is the soul of garlic soup. OK, so you want football on my TV? You can screw your soup without thyme. I carefully opened the cupboard and I barely sprinkled some thyme in the soup.

- What are you doing? - he called out from the living room.

- I can explain.

I started the soup again, from scratch.

I hated this special talent of his, how he could feel everything. I closed the window, he told me the curtain was caught in it. I put on different socks in the morning, he handed me the right ones. I went to the shop for some Edelweiss, came back with Leffe and he pointed out the mistake even before he had sipped into it.

He was blind, it's easy that way.

At night he got out of bed to get a glass of water. While he was in the kitchen, I thought it would be funny to act as if I was waiting for an important text message. (I love jealous men.) When he got back into bed, he stroked my cheek:

- When we go to bed, you always turn it off. And that's just what you did tonight as well, at 23:32. It was when the last trolley was leaving the stop down on the street, I heard it. If you want to make me jealous, you have to cheat. Not just pretend to cheat.

My friends had left me, my soldiers had dispersed, my confidant had betrayed me. He sniffs my perfume, my phone doesn't ring, I can't explain. The key to the door of the room with the witch's brew of secrets and lies had broken into the lock. From the inside. That's when I knew this was over.

- I know, it's over. I don't understand women. Why? When we were in perfect harmony all along ...

- Take a wild guess. - I said.

Vicarious

2010-07-11T12:44:00.000-07:00

"Why can't we just admit it?"

This time not the instinctive desire to destroy, but the fact that we were wrong. Why does our mind create B, C, D, etc. explanations instead of just accepting the most probable A version?

I screwed up. You screwed up. I don't know who it was, but someone screwed something up.

Today I was listening to Vicarious by the Tool all day long. A character was born, an idea for a new short story I have already started to write.

A little surreal, a little sick, a little depressing. No problem though, coz that's just how we are. Why can't we just admit it?

"Why, oh why?

'cause I need to watch things die

From a distance

Vicariously I, live while the whole world dies

You all need it too, don't lie

Why can't we just admit it?"

Between loyalty and getting soaked

2010-07-10T12:19:00.000-07:00

I was standing on the door-step between loyalty and getting soaked. Standing under the doorway to escape from the pouring rain, I was excited and contemplating the possible outcomes of the night ahead. I was thinking about the moment when the rein loosens in the hard grip. About the tense moment when forbidden turns to maybe. About the way two people, each in their own relationships, step on thin ice while holding hands.

- I've been going out with someone for years, I'm totally loyal. I have never cheated on my girlfriend, I'm just not able to get to that final point. Sure, I have hard-ons, I am a man after all, but when I have to choose between loyalty and disloyalty, I don't feel the need to step on the unknown path, honestly.

And then he continued:

- I'm being totally honest now, seriously.

By then I was absolutely sure he wasn't telling me the truth. If he isn't lying, then he is doubtful. If he is doubtful, then I'm just gonna have to make him sure of it.

- Lean closer to me. - he said a couple of hours later. - I said something. Even closer.

I leaned closer.

- And now I'm going to pay the bill and I'm going to take you somewhere. I'm going to tie your hands behind your back, have you ever tried anything like that? And then I'm going to put pins on your nipples and you're going to squeal in the cutest of ways. Not because you enjoy it, but because it's going to hurt, darling.

He leaned back self-righteously and with that movement he knocked over the glass full of champagne.

Fuck.

And here I was, excited about the fact that we were going to step on thin ice, try out everything from gripping to hitting. And suddenly, what am I faced with? This guy really is loyal.

Fuck fuck.

How do I come out as a dame from a situation in which I have to leave the other party thinking he still wants me?

Fuck fuck fuck.

- All right. Let's raise the stakes. Bye!

By fleeing forward. It's OK to run and it's even cuter when you do it in high heels.

And I'm crossing the street with a drunken look on my face, the tequila is working, I stayed loyal AND I got soaked. I said no, because I could feel that he didn't really want it. Thank god I didn't even have a chance to decide whether I wanted it or not.

- Hey! Just one more thing! ... - he runs after me, crossing the street. - Thanks for not making me cheat on my girlfriend.

And he knows.

And he says thanks.

I'm telling you, I was seriously touched.

Just the other day

2010-06-29T14:29:00.001-07:00

We were standing on the bridge, the wind blew pollen in our faces, a car sped by behind us, thrusting hot air onto us, there were still some drops of whiskey at the bottom of the bottle, bright lines trembling on the water, the river stepped out of its usual channel, the bridge was shaking, strong splashing sounds and moaning around the pillars, rattling teeth as all the rubbish hit the steel, everything was in its place, the heat paired up with our thirst, as we left home, we could never go back there, the wind of a truck blows under my shirt, we leave our mark on the night, we step over the rails, our feet in perfect unison, fading paint, silver graffiti, scared look on the face of a cab driver, the lamps by the bridge, signs that were put there for boats, traffic lights, he counts, one-two-three, I bend my knees and jump, but as soon as my feet leave the ground, I know how stupid this whole thing is, the irreversibility of the deed has destroyed the excitement of it, I was contemplating my fall with the leftovers of this faint excitement, I could say I was sober if I hadn’t been drunk, he was falling next to me, under me with his eyes closed, as if we were one person, as if gravity had a greater effect on him, as if ropes were pulling him down, I’m a good swimmer, I know I’m going to survive, I’ll climb out of the water, I’ll make my way home drenched in water and alcohol, I’ll sleep it off and then I’ll call him, mischief, bohemian show-offs, he’s been looking for trouble ever since he was a kid, he likes challenging destiny, I really don’t think he’ll lose this time, and I didn’t get tangled in the rubbish, I didn’t freeze to death, I didn’t whirl down deep, but then when I got home, I couldn’t take it anymore, I hadn’t slept for three days, my friend had a miscarriage, my lover left me, my accomplices had a fight and then it all came crashing down, it was the neighbours who called the ambulance, next day I woke up clinging to an unknown pillow, the prof with the white hair is testing his residents, they’re nodding, the prof is looking at my chart, I don’t understand a word of what they’re saying, they’re probably going over the drug addict-epilepsic-panic attack-depressed versions of my diagnosis and the doctor lingo makes them scary, the nurse is smiling at me, they want hope from me and they know that I want hope from them.