Tragedies of our everyday lives

When your wife has no desire whatsoever to look at you in a sexual way. When there is no common language in which you can communicate with your teenage daughter. When you know just by looking into his eyes, that your friendship is destroyed forever. When your husband hits you and screams at you, and you make yourself believe that there is absolutely nothing you can do about it, so you just don't do anything about it. When you are cheating on your girlfriend who is planning to have kids with you, and you just smile and pretend that it is all good, you sink into the lukewarm shit, because it's just way too comfortable. When you think you are too clever and you don't directly ask for the truth, instead you go behind her back and decide what you think is the truth. When you judge people because there is nothing better you could do with your time, and it is always easier to dig into someone else than to try to fix your own life.

And then all of a sudden, everything came together

I probably had the most wonderful conversation of my life last night. The boy I let lead my life for the past seven - eight years, the one this blog was about so many times, the boy who made me fall in love with theater and then made me fall out of love with it; the boy who got me with just a look any time of the day, the boy who in my eyes is the most beautiful and sexy creature in the world, the boy who made me so excited with his views on the world; this boy came to my apartment, shattered all of his walls and restrictions, and told me everything there was to tell. He told me about the past eight years, the times when we weren't together, he told me what he felt and how he saw it all. He told me that he was sorry about a lot of things and that there are moments he will regret forever. He told me what I meant to him and what he thought he meant to me. He told me what he was afraid of, and what he is afraid of now. He spoke like he never has before, he had eyes like he never had before.

I got to see a completely new side to him when I thought there wasn't anything I didn't know about him already. I think much more of him now than before last night, if that's possible. I regret our story even less now than before last night, if that's possible.

Sometimes flattery is more of a burden than a blessing, the kind is more awkward than kind, and the exciting is more unpleasant than exciting, and these are the times when crying is more laughter than crying, and in reality it is impossible to know who is unpleasant and exciting, it is impossible to know who sees whom as what, if people see anyone but themselves at all, and these are the times when I just don't understand why I didn't become a lyricist, when I am the Coelho of spiritual disappointments with a red lower class-hat, and the telephones are just lower call-accesories and fucked up communication channels.

I'm not a good person. At all. I would, however, like to seem like I am. I can trick quite a few people, but somehow every single time I speak well of myself, I slip and fall nose first in my own snot. I am vain and pusillanimous. A kamikaze combination, let me tell ya'. There are a lot of times when I would be happy to spit towards the sky and then stand under it. It might be better if more people hated me in a more honest way, it would definitely be better if I could hate more people in a more honest way.

2012

1. What did you do in 2012 that you’d never done before?

I ate a pomelo, and it changed my life! I haven't stopped since ...

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I didn’t make any resolutions, but I', pretty cool with the way I lived and took care of my stuff.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yes, but that doesn't even surprise me anymore.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Yes. My dearest, closest, oldest friend who was more like a brother.
Also, this tiny angel, Lili. She had cancer all her life. She died just days before her fifth birthday. I met her while volunteering at the hospital she stayed in. One of the greatest gifts of my life!

5. What countries did you visit?

Monaco-Monte Carlo, Austria, Canada, Belgium, UK, Spain, Italy

6. What would you like to have had in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?

Some peace. It would have been nice to find common ground with my sister.

7. What dates from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory and why?

28th of June - Bálint dies
26th of November - Lili dies
Although I cannot for the life of me remember what day it was in the beginning of November, the day I was told I was getting promoted is pretty memorable.


8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Beating cancer!

9. What was your biggest failure?

I am proud to say I did not fail at anything in 2012.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Turns out I'm gluten-intolerant. Coeliac disease, if you will. So much fun.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Earrings for my friend, Zsani.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?

Mine. Of course. Mine. Without a doubt. MINE!

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?

I am so over it!

14. Where did most of your money go?

Travel, alcohol, clothes, taxis

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

My promotion. Jewellery ( I know, I know ... ). Music. Friends.

16. What song will always remind of you 2012?

Eli Eli by Ofra Haza
Egyszer by Rúzsa Magdolna
Try by Pink
Skinny Love by Birdy
Hajda Szélben by Makám & Lovász Irén
Reckoning Song by Asaf Avidan
Ants by Edit

17. Compared to this time last year, are:

a)happier or sadder?

happier

b)thinner or fatter?

fatter

c) richer or poorer?

richer

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

I wish I had concentrated more on myself, on what is good for me, on what makes me feel OK.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Stressing about work. Worrying about how other people's lives were going to turn out.

20. Did you fall in love in 2012?

No, but I do believe I started falling out of it, and that's huge!

21. What was your favourite TV program?

Happy Endings, In Treatment, Breaking Bad

22. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Nope. It's the same two people as last year, and the only two people I ever hated.

23. What was the best book you read?

Impossible, sorry, can't do it.

24. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Ofra Haza!!!

25. What did you want and get?

I wanted freedom. Check.

26. What did you want and not get?

I wanted to spend more time with Bálint. Too late.

27. What was your favourite film of this year?

Margin Call was all right. I'm not all that into movies nowadays.

28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 27, and I spent time with my nephew and my sister, then I was taken on a surprise snowboarding trip to Filzmoos by friends, I got a brand new snowboard, I had a surprise party, and I was spoiled rotten. Birthdays rock!

29. How you would describe your personal fashion concept in 2012?

I've started to wear more colors, but I still feel I'm too careful. I want to be much braver.

30. What kept you sane?

Music. Writing. Andi.

31. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

James Franco, if I must specify.

32. Who did you miss?

Mum. Bálint. Lex. Salpi. Andi. Norbi.

33. Who was the best new person you met?

Zsani and Maci!!!

34. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012.

Allow me to quote the ethereal genius, Alexia: "That all you can do is to keep going. And you do that by taking it one day at a time. Also, I’m not weak- life is fucking hard. And it’s not about being happy, but being alive."

35. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.


A hundred days have made me older
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lies have made me colder
And I don't think I can look at this the same
But all the miles that separate
Disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time

The miles just keep rollin'
As the people leave their way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated
But I hope that it gets better as we go, oh yeah yeah

Everything I know and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it won't take away my love
And when the last one falls, when it's all said and done
It gets hard but it won't take away my love

I am participating in VEDA this year.
The day 1 and day 2 videos are up, enjoy! Sorry about the sound quality and the awkwardness, I'm really new to this.

If I start, when I am in the middle of it, or when I am nearing the end of the thing, I am positive that it will be there, written in bacl and white, that feeling when I sit on my remote control by mistake, and I will have no idea about the fact that I am sitting on it, but it switches off, and everything will be silent. Because a lot of times that is exactly what surprise is like. Or sometimes even life. Not the bad kind, you know, just the kind that feels like something's missing. And then you don't really understand it, you are listening to the silence, and then you realize that you are sitting on the remote control, that I am sitting on it, actually, and it wasn't even you intention to sit on it, it wasn't my intention either. But by that time you get used to the silence and it's kind of nice. It is pressing your ass, my cruel ass - that gorgeous remote control. Fucking television. And all you fucking silences.